It Christmas Time, Gregory House!
by EvanescentBeauty
Summary: When PPTH janitors find that rodents have completely destroyed the hospital's collection of Christmas decorations, Cuddy sends House and his three ducklings to buy new ones, but who will wind up on top?


* * *

Gregory House limped through the front door of Princeton-Plainsboro Teaching Hospital as nurses scurried hectically past him and behind him. He groaned. Winter was always a busy time...early snows this year had brought on a large amount of colds and fevers, and these kind of boring cases was just what Cuddy wanted him to treat every day. What he wouldn't give to get some hours of clinic duty. 

Be careful what you wish for.

But he realized something was missing...some annoying thing that was always there that wasn't today...Christmas decorations. At this moment, Dr. Lisa Cuddy walked past House, but her eyes widened when he saw him there.

"House, you were supposed to be here an hour ago!" she snapped, halting in her tracks.

"Where's the annoying Christmas decorations?" asked House, ignoring Cuddy. He wanted his questions answered right away. "You know I'm always brimming with Christmas spirit...all the colds! Parents are so dense sometimes...do they need a doctor's opinion before they give their child cold medicine?"

"House, you are so--you're such a Scrooge!" cried Cuddy, her hands on her hips.

"And you're Britney Spears! Love the low-cut blouse, by the way...who's Wilson?" he quipped annoyingly. Cuddy glared at him.

"Oh, I'm sorry!" he said, his hand clapping over his mouth. "I thought we were doing people. You know how I adore your little games."

"Nice," she growled. She and House stood there for a moment, Cuddy looking at him scrutinizingly, before she finally broke.

"I need you to do me a big favor."

"I'm already doing you favors," said House, starting to walk towards his office. "It's called _healing people."_

"Very funny, but as it turns out the--House can't you stop walking and look at me when I'm talking to you?" she snapped.

"Sorry, Dr. Cuddy! I'm a little caught up in the last favor you asked me to do. You know...hiring me." Cuddy sighed irritably and rolled her eyes.

"Whatever," she growled. "Listen...I was just talking with the janitors, and--"

"Listen, if anything came alive and ate anyone just tell them it was the prune juice. God, was _that _a nice 'merry Christmas'..."

"_No, _House; nothing CAME ALIVE. They said that some rats got into the boxes of Christmas decorations and completely destroyed everything. They crapped over all the figurines and chewed the lights to pieces."

"That's what rats do," said House. "That's why it's important to keep the decorations in boxes."

"We _kept _them in boxes, you idiot!" cried Cuddy.

"Okay...fine. BOXES."

As they neared House's office, Cuddy grabbed House's arm and turned him to face her.

"So...are you getting my drift?" she asked quietly.

"That you think this amazing rat story will bring out the Christmas cheer in a bitter, crippled old man with nothing better to do then cure YOUR patients?" he asked sarcastically. "Sure...I guess..."

"House, I need you to buy more decorations," she said firmly. "I'll give you and your little kids a couple hours off clinic duty."

"You're kicking me out of this hospital to make this place look pretty for Christmas?" asked House skeptically. "Honestly? People don't care if Little Plastic Jesus is sitting in his manger or not. They care about curing their cold so they can go home and set up their own Little Plastic Jesus."

"Honestly?" she echoed sarcastically. "It's about making this place a healthy, positive environment for the patients. Besides, you're doing it for the hospital, so it's okay that you're off duty for a few hours. Just be back by five."

"'Be back by five'?" echoed House, as Cuddy began to walk off. "I never agreed to doing this!"

"Thanks, House, you're a hero!" swooned Cuddy sarcastically, not looking back.

House groaned and whacked the side of the wall with his cane.

_I miss the days when I could actually kick the wall, _thought House with a touch of melancholy. _It's so much more satisfying..._

* * *

"Alright, I know I've been a jerk, and a bastard to all of you for like, ever," said House, walking into the room where Chase, Foreman and Cameron were sitting. "But I want to make it up to you with some special Christmas presents." 

These words were so shocking, that all three doctors looked up from their coffee in shock.

"Are you serious?" asked Foreman.

"Pfft, no!" laughed House. Cameron rolled her eyes and sipped her coffee and Chase gave his paper an extra crease before returning to his article. "But Mrs. Clause has a job for Santa and his three best elves!"

"Please tell me Mrs. Clause is Cuddy and not your mom," implored Chase sarcastically. House walked over slowly before whacking Chase on the head with his cane.

"OWW! Son of a--"

"Ah ah ah," cut in House. "It's Christmas!"

Chase flipped him off before returning to massaging his head.

"Anyone else want to compare my mother to Cuddy?" asked House lightly, holding up his cane. Foreman and Cameron scooted their chairs back from the table oh-so slightly.

"Okay, so what's the job?" asked Cameron.

"Well, people tell you what's wrong, and then you fix them--"

"The job with Cuddy," cut in Cameron loudly.

"We have to go buy new Christmas decorations so we can give the patients a 'positive environment'," quoted House grimly.

"What's wrong with last year's decorations?" asked Foreman.

"Rats," grumbled House.

"Dang," muttered Cameron. "That's nice, but we have work to do--!"

"Mrs. Clause is giving us a few hours off clinic duty," said House. "Whoop."

"Well, we better get going then," grumbled Chase.

"Really?" asked House. "I just thumped you on the head for a snippy comment...and you want to do Christmas shopping with me?"

"If you're fond of your family jewels you'll keep your cane away from me," snapped Chase, removing his lab coat. Cameron laughed.

"Sorry, but I think I can beat an Aussie," said House. "Crikey!"

Chase scowled.

* * *

"How bout the pink one? It's festive...people like unique stuff." 

"Cameron, we're not getting _pink, _for the love of God..."

House, Chase, Cameron and Foreman had finally made it to the mall where they were choosing the best fake Christmas tree. Cheesy elevator Christmas music played gaily in the background, and red-faced parents chased their little 6-year-olds across the store as they hurried from tree to tree enthusiastically.

Chase and Foreman had both picked out nice, feathery boughed coughed green trees, while Cameron thought the tacky pink and white ones were the certain way to go.

"Oh come _on_, no one ever buys these for themselves--"

"There's a reason for that, Cameron," said Foreman. "I mean...God that thing looks like it should be in '_How the Grinch Stole Christmas'_!"

"Yeah, or '_The Year That Christmas **Died'**_," chimed in House.

"Alright, alright! Geez, I get your point already!" snapped Cameron. "Fine, I'll admit pink is a _bit _out therebut the white one is nice...I mean...it would bring out the colors of the ornaments nicely..."

"_Jesus_, Cameron," cried House. "If you want the damn tree so bad why don't you just buy it for yourself? Scare the crap out of _your_neighbors. God, you're so mushy, I'd have thought that you'd like the traditional green tree!" He leaned his head in the crook of her neck and shoulder and looked into her eyes.

"It reminds you of home!" he said sarcastically, batting his eyes. Cameron snorted and pushed him off.

"Yeah, I thought Chase would be the one suggesting pink," said Foreman. Chase slugged him in the gut.

"Shut up!" he growled.

"'Aw roit, this woon looks loik i' shood 'ave a kangaroo on top, don'cha think, tha, Forman?" chimed House in a thick Australian accent.

"This is ridiculous!" snapped Cameron finally. "It's already one-thirty and we haven't even picked out a tree! We still have ornaments and wreathes and statues..."

"Ughh..don't remind me," grumbled House irritably. He grabbed the two closest trees he could find (both hard, cold, green) and dragged it over to the cashier where he shoved it in the lady's face.

"Ring this up," he growled. "_Now."_

The woman looked at him, taken aback, before running the tags over the beeper.

"Would you like to come back for them later?" she asked.

"Yes, please," cut in Cameron before House could make a nasty remark.

* * *

"What time is it?" asked House, looking over at Chase. 

"Four-fifteen," he replied, checking his watch. Cameron rubbed her forehead anxiously. They had forty-five minutes to finish their shopping and get back to Princeton-Plainsboro.

"Okay," she said. "Let's just grab a manger scene and get out of here." She paused before saying, "That is a weird sentence."

House rolled his eyes.

The quartet had chosen about 30 ornaments and tens of strings of lights, and all they needed now was to buy a manger scene. The four doctors hurried out into the chilly December snowfall and into a cab, where they sped off to the nearest Costco.

As they entered, a blast of warm air hit them in the face, making them blink rapidly several times and blew Cameron's hair into a billowing blanket behind her. They unwrapped their scarves from their necks and headed over to a promising section, filled with Christmas lights and tacky statues. House gazed disdainfully at a pair of plastic snowmen made out of three giant ice cubes. He peered at Cameron out of the corner of his eye to see Cameron gazing at the same statues with admiration.

_Chicks, _he grumbled inwardly.

"Okay, here's a nice one," suggested Chase, side-stepping a pair of identical twin girls speeding through the throngs of people. He placed his hand on the head of a donkey standing over a plastic Mary and Joseph who were gazing vacantly at a plastic Jesus.

"Behold, thy plastic Jesus!" cried House, so loud that some people peered over nervously.

"Okay, good," sighed Foreman, massaging his temples. "These crowds are giving me a headache."

"Me too," grumbled Cameron, rubbing the back of her neck.

"You're doctors! You deal with crowds every day!" pointed out House incredulously.

"Not like this," growled Cameron. "The crowds we see are usually so sick that they don't feel like talking, but these people are vultures! I swear, they'd trample you as soon as look at you!"

"There's Christmas in New Jersey for ya," said Chase.

"It's everywhere, Chase.." chided Cameron. "Christmas is just this big commercialized holiday, and people are forgetting the true meaning--"

House and Chase sniggered as Foreman made his hand look like a mouth blabbing behind her back. She scowled disdainfully at them when she saw them laughing.

* * *

"I am never doing that again," growled Foreman as House and his team sat down in his office. 

"Well, look at the bright side, you've got something to look forward to," said House. The three doctors looked up hopefully, six glinting eyes expecting something to get their spirits up.

"Whiny patients!" he exclaimed. Chase groaned and laid his head on the table with a thud. Cameron rolled her eyes and Foreman slunk down in his chair. At that moment, Cuddy pushed open the door and stepped inside.

"So...did you do it?" asked Cuddy. House observed curiously that a small smile was tickling Cuddy's lips.

"You should burn in hell for making us do that!" he cried irritably. "Why don't you do it yourself?"

It was at this point that Cuddy's smirk turned into a full on smile.

"What?" asked House.

"You remember when I called you 'Scrooge'?" she asked. House narrowed his eyes.

"Yeah," he said slowly.

"Well, I figured that you could use some Christmas spirit...a little boost, you know--"

"Oh _no_," said House, his eyes widening in dawning comprehension. "You didn't."

"I did," admitted Cuddy. She laughed. "Thought you could use a little."

"There were no rats, were there?" asked Foreman.

"Nope. No rats. The decorations are fine...just a little late getting them up," said Cuddy, her hands folded in front of her. Chase slapped a hand to his face and Cameron smacked her head on the table. House's face was mutilated with fury.

"What about the patients?" he asked.

"I got some doctors to cover you," replied Cuddy smoothly. "Merry Christmas."

She turned around and began to walk out the door. When she was halfway down the hall, House poked his head out the door and shouted after her.

"You're a manipulative bitch, you know that right?" he shouted. She turned around, a smirk on her face. She blew him a kiss and continued walking down the hall. House made a gun-shape with his hand and pulled the trigger, slumping down in his chair.


End file.
